The Bird Goddess (La Terminatrix)

i wake up early           slept on hard rocks

dreamed hard dreams             long processions up to the mountain

a woman with her skirts pulled over her face           a terminatrix

Make a fire before anyone else

Fill the house with pine scented smoke          a place of persistent flame

Must be revered-                                            whatever its purpose or explanation

In the cedar hedges sparrows stir              awakening from                                                                              dreams

                                                            Of a bird goddess

The forest dreams also of a time when

Drenched in abundance          entangled and held gently by the world

When we flowed like a river  unconscious of the banks

Sky was our dome                   oaks and maples were our pillars

Laughing we returned home at dawn after planting another year.

I think I am ready now               to find again

to become a nun                         the sound of one hand clapping

I will live simply                      trajectory marks drawn

On my inheritance                  from the map of my soul

My ancestors                                              are the path and the destination

The peach golden realm of achievement      skies of a winter dream

You can hear little in the crackle of a wood fire stove

But the discomfort in your belly –movement and non-movement

tells you

It is only my stubborn nature              pointlessly  I have traveled

myriad worlds             yearning          to feed             to try again-and again

Awed by the beauty of shadows flowing below it All

Discipline and spontaneity      boundless I swam in both

in an art that neither wins or loses

Drying myself off when the clouds catch a gilded dawn

I hum a ditty

Puffed up birds swoop in                                 write affirmations

Cognizant of how close I am                           draw up schedules     

In an instant of lifting my arm                        the sun rises and

The terminatrix hugs for the last time.

I wrote this poem this morning watching a brilliant golden dawn transform my world from the eastern balcony. The day before I had drawn a goddess called the Bird Goddess from Sardinia where  I lived as a child. I have always been fascinated with her image and as I sketched her statue, I realised that she is not a bird at all. I thought that she is wearing a shroud or veil which is hiding the features of her face. The lines of her veil are quite marked and therefore are probably an important part of who she is. She appeared to me to be wearing a robe rather than the wings of a bird.

This morning, I wrote this poem about her, about pagan times when the feminine was worshiped and the earth and all beings were revered in a way that has been lost. How I yearn for that sacredness to return! I believe with all my heart that this alone will ensure that we survive. Of course the earth remembers everything and even if we wipe ourselves out by willful suicidal practices and beliefs, there will be some memory that will preserve. However,  in an honourable day to day way of life , we must struggle for growth and light.

When I finished typing up my poem, I did some research about the Sardinian “Bird Goddess” the lovely lady who now stands beside a newly opened white jasmine. As I suspected, she is in fact a representation of a “Woman of Death” or teminatrix, an older woman who was trained as a midwife of both birth and death. In the case of extreme suffering without any possibility of recovery, she was called in as an expert  euthanasist. She was known to terminate the life of her patients with a variety of means, by magical means by putting scared objects like a yoke around the sick person, by strangulation or by holding the patient in between her knees in a last embrace. Perhaps symbolic of birth and rebirth.

So I am wondering what is dying and what awaits to be reborn in this time before the  solstice. I am also wondering what is sick, dying but persistent in continuing to live long past when its presence is necessary or helpful.

This time of year I am feeling very strongly the pull of opposites. Perhaps it is also this stage of life for me, a transition time when I am finishing with one life task and waiting for the  conception of a new one.

For me, one play of opposites in my life are discipline and frivolity. I love discipline because it gets things done and I feel fulfilled after the work is finished, on time and to a high standard. But I also love frivolity also because I get pleasure in small joys , going to walks, gardening, sitting on my favorite couch on a winter’s day and reading mysteries. Letting go of all expectations and realising that I have everything I need already.

I am following something-a call, a yearning, an emotional heart. I keep hoping that it will fulfill me. Today I watch the play between spontaneity and discipline. I know I should be rooting for the underdog.

I need balance, but who is the balancer?

Try This!

1.      1.    This time of year can be a real struggle between light and dark. A time when  recurring or new problems come to a crisis point. Most conflicts within are between opposites who refuse to be reconciled. Choose one difficulty in your life right now and give it a simple one or two word name. For example “self-authority”.

2.    2.      Identify what the opposite quality or partner to this probable might be and give it a one word name. For example the opposite of self-authority could be “lack of confidence” or “feeling lost”.

3.      Now rather than conceptualize these two opposites as opposing, think about how they could work together, a dance of soul. Lack of self-authority has given me the ability to seek and integrate wisdom from many sources. I am eternally curious about others and the world. So the “lack of confidence” in myself has also made me a great listener and academic. Interesting! Now formula how the dance has come together to create something new. The third which arises from the union of two opposites. For example self-authority and lack of confidence, have danced together to let me become deeply spiritual without the dogma of religions and tribalism. I have learned to see the deep foundation of all spiritual traditions and this has become my career and right livelihood.

4.    4.      Notice in your everyday life how the two opposites that you have identified, come up and notice how your react to them, how they run your life, how you have both suffered from their imbalance and benefited from their resolution.

5.   5.   Keep journaling about the opposites in your life. Or you could paint their portraits or dance their tango. Embody your new wisdom before the winter solstice perhaps with a ritual. For example, I could find a stone that represented self authority and water that could represent lack of confidence. Pouring water over the stone I could embody how these opposites work together to form a new wisdom.