My healing journey with cancer

            I will being a series of articles about the most profound experiences of my life which have lead me to become a holistic therapeutic counsellor. First a caveat- I am not recommending any particular course of treatment. You, the reader, must consult with health professionals that you trust and plan your own course of healing. I am simply telling my own journey from illness into health.

            This is a story which I have told only a few people because it is very personal and some may not believe it or are skeptical about my healing process. I was living in Vancouver in the late 1980’s. I was a single mother, my first husband had left me and my son a few years earlier. My son was a very difficult and defiant child. I was working full time, teaching life skills. I had long hours, traveled two hours a day by bus to get to work, I worried about my son being alone in our small apartment. Because I worked on contracts, I had little job security, no health or pension benefits. To be honest, I lay in bed at nights and wished I was dead. I knew that I shouldn’t feel that way-but I did. Clearly I had ‘issues’ but somehow I couldn’t find the time or money to get help. My parents were supportive to a point, but they lived far away from us and they couldn’t adequately discuss my situation with me. They thought I should just forget about my husband, whom I loved very much, and get on with my life. I tried.

            I received a diagnosis of cervical cancer from my doctor and we considered together what I should do. He gave me some articles and books to read. I felt very strongly that if I really believe in the mind/body connection, then I should try to heal myself holistically. I asked him for some time to think about my next step, he agreed to give me six months.

            The only really bright place in my life was a spiritual teacher whom I saw about once a month. She has since stopped teaching and has asked not to be identified. I questioned her about my diagnosis and she immediately answered that my cancer was caused by unresolved anger. ME? ANGRY! I felt sure that she was wrong about this-after all, I was a very kind, gentle person. Everyone said what a nice person I was. As if! However, I respected my teacher enough to try her counsel. She suggested that I take about three months for a retreat , when I could be by myself and focus on my own healing. Then she proposed that I sit in meditation and focus on the sick part of my body-my womb, just be there with my womb (wound?) and to practise  Following Back I(see pervious blogs). This is an integrative clearing practice of finding old unassimilated experience and by bringing awareness, kindness and compassion to these memories, to heal and release their hold on my beliefs, emotions and actions.

            At first I thought this was a pointless exercise-how could I just sit and focus on my abdomen? I think in retrospect that I was very fortunate to have enough trust in my teacher to carry out her instructions. So, I took steps to set up a retreat. I asked my parents to care for my son, took time between contracts, and solicited extra money from my parents to get me through without work. I sat down on my mediation pillow every morning and focused on my abdomen. I already had a meditation practice so I was accustomed to sitting every day in silence and mindfulness. But this was more difficult because I had a different purpose, I was gazing within and noticing.

            The other changes I made in my life style were: no sugar (at all!); lighter diet, mostly vegetarian; spending more time outside with a walk every day for at least ½ hour, avoiding all anger inducing situations; no talking on the phone during the day, I put the phone on messages and answered only the urgent ones in the evening with minimum fuss; no news or other media influences. I took lots of time for my favorite activists such as dance, yoga, journaling, reading spiritual books, long walks along the beach, drawing and writing poetry. I lived in an apartment but I had a little potted garden on the balcony where I putted and planted spring flowers. My teacher had also recommended that I surround myself with the colour yellow as much as possible. She told me that this was a joyful colour and would enhance spontaneity. I bought yards of bright yellow heavy cotton canvas and made long curtain to hang on my balcony when the sun came in and heat up my apartment too much. I sat on the balcony during those days, and watched the sunlight reflect and dance among the folds of the bright yellow cloth.

            At first I wondered if this was just not going to work. I settled into meditating on my second chakra (the abdomen or hara) and although I noticed after a while that there seemed to be dark areas there, I couldn’t follow back to where the blocks had developed. I felt frustrated. I thought maybe I just wasn’t a very good meditator. Some old issued came up, but they were ones that I had ‘dealt’ with before. My anger at my first husband, his betrayal, my guilt about the failure of my marriage. But I’d been through that before-I’d spend years obsessing about my situation, I really wanted to just forget it and get on with my life. Trouble is that I had shoved all my anger into my feminine organs and it can festered there. I hadn’t healed the hurt, I’d just denied it.

            I gradually began to realise that I did have huge blocks in my lower charkas. After about a week of intense meditation and retreat, I finally broke through to all the anger. I cried on my pillow for hours, went for long walks, listened to calming music, and gradually I began to feel differently. I felt little twinges in my womb, almost as if I was pregnant again. Little ‘kicks; I called them, like something  was healing, a new awareness, a new joy was replacing the dark anger I had stashed there.

           

            It was spring, I started to have moments of unparalleled ecstasy in appreciation of the small details of my life: the shadows of blinds on the wall, scent of cherry blossoms, the colour of a pale azure sky, ducks along the beach. I became different.

            After the three months, I returned to my doctor, he took cell samples which came back much to his surprise, completely healthy. He didn’t  believe the results so he took another sample, sent them to the lab under a different name, same healthy results. Much to his dis belief, he tried again, same results. We agreed to watch the area, the cancer has not returned to this day.

            That is a brief account of my experience with integrative healing of holistic counselling. I have a written a more extensive description of the therapeutic process in my book “The River Books-Work, Love and Wisdom” (Star, 2007) which will be on sale in the summer through my website. I have since used the same psychotherapy techniques with my clients- Following Back to the home place of trauma and un-integrated experiences and then applying compassion and love to heal. This is a very powerful technique and one which has led to some profound changes in my clients.

            Try This!

1.      The mind will usually store unintegrated experience in areas of the body that are associated with the trauma. Although this is not a complete description of Following Back using the body as a map, you will be able to prepare yourself for healing by  following the steps below.

2.      Think of one area of your body that often has discomfort. Bring your attention to this area. For the next few days, just rest your awareness there in a kind and loving way. As you go through the day-be in that area. Don’t try to change anything, just notice. Also notice what is happening in your outer world as you focus on this sensitive place.

3.      After a few days, start to become curious about the discomfort. What is causing this pain? Why here? When you go inside in your imagination, into that area, what images, colours or memories come up? Just notice. Step out of the compulsive stories that may arise as you go into this physical filing systems of experience.

4.      Let it speak. Don’t try to edit or ‘fix’ it. Just be aware of it. With kind attention, the suffering will gradually transform. Now record your impressions in some way-journaling, through visual art, music or dance. Let your creativity express what the discomfort is saying.

Joy in the journey!