Bring the story home

Anne sits in a coffee shop where you have agreed to meet.

She begins to tell the same old story, You’ve heard it a thousand times before. But you want to be supportive , you want to give Anne a place to vent, to explore her feelings (again), to feel listened. But at the same time, you feel a slight sense of anger coming up. When she is leaves to order another latté, you check with yourself. Hmmm…Then you start to wonder, Anne is stuck in this story, no matter how many times she recounts it, retells it, goes over it again, cries and looks at you helplessly- there doesn’t seem to be any relief.

The creeds of Soul Catching offer insight into getting unstuck, both with ourselves and others.

The first two creeds of Soul Catching are:

The story if never about the story.

The story is always about YOU.

These two realizations open up a new, more transformative way to work with problems of all kinds.

In this case, Anne is complaining that the people in her life aren’t helpful enough. As you listen, you think that from you know about her life, other people are incredibly helpful with Anne. This inconsistency is because the story is never about the story. That is why a constant recounting of the old story is not helpful. The ego is clever in protecting the rest of your being. So it develops a smoke screen to hide behind. One of the smoke screens it blaming the outside world, other people, other events that are outside of the ego’s control It is a kind of relinquishment of responsibility, just in case there is an audit –ha! Let’s continue with the second agreement.

When you question Anne about what she would like from other people, she tells you she just wants to be accepted as she is, without expectations or judgements. She tells you about one person who gives her the relationship she wants. She describes this friend’s qualities as, loving, compassionate and accepting. You notice when she talks about her good friend, her face changes, her voice becomes deeper, more restful, she stops fidgeting in her chair and stares dreamily into the foam on her latté. These are also clues that she is speaking now from a deeper part of herself, from her soul.

Now the story is never about the story. She has been telling you how her friends and family are not caring enough, not accepting enough, they put high expectations on her that set her up for failure. But we have to bring the story home to find out what is really troubling her. This is the second step in Soul Catching. Listening to the story, with an ear for when soul speaks. Listening to what is only covertly been said, themes, emphasis on words, events in the environment, body language. What is the story really about?

Some clues, Anne becomes calmer when she describes her friend. These are the qualities she wants and needs in her relationsips, she tells you. This is partly true, but by bringing the story home, the whole truth is revealed. You start to be curious about whether Anne can find these qualities anywhere else in her life since clearly she hasn’t control over other people to give these to her in the way that she needs. And clearly her efforts to get the kinds of response she needs, have not been successful.

As Rumpole of the Baily once said, don’t ask a question unless you know the answer-ha!. You have a notion of where the conversation is going. With a few more questions about where else in her life she isn’t getting enough acceptance and love, Anne starts to weep. But this time, there is a sense of acceptance and touching into the deep despair she feels within herself. As she weeps, she gradually changes, is transformed. Because now she is allowing herself to feel all those emotions that she has been fighting because she has not been accepting, kind and compassionate with…herself. The answer is-she isn’t giving herself these qualities.

That is bringing the story home.

It is the single hardest step for anyone who wants to become free.

Finding the themes in the repetitive stories that run our lives. Realising that these stories are not about  what we have convinced ourselves they are about. Then bringing the story home by soul catching what has been lost. This obsessive projection of our soul stories onto the outside world it is very common. So common if fact that it is universal.

Once Anne realised that her despair and anger was actually about her own unreasonable expectations about herself a sense of relief and optimism came to her. With more compassion and understanding of her own limits, Anne now can go out into her life now with some authentic tools and begin her soul work.

Try This! (if you dare!)

1.       Take one obsessive set of thoughts that bother you. Take the first ones that come to mind. E.g. That person really treated me badly. I keep thinking about how he hurt me, betrayed me, how unfair it all was.

2.       Now write out the story as you usually think about it in your mind. Be specific. E.g. He really betrayed me, I trusted him, gave myself to him in so many ways, but he went ahead and just did what was best for him, without thinking at all about me.

3.       Put your writing aside for a while. Then read the story though as if you are a stranger. Underline words that jump out at you, words that seem to have more power than other words. Read the story like an editor trying to distill it into a few words, the most important ones. E.g. I see that betrayal comes up as the most common word and theme here. It seems to have the most power for me.

4.       Breathe deep and prepare yourself because now comes the real soul work.  Ask yourself, where else does this theme come up? E.g. Where else in my life do I feel betrayed?

5.       Now follow back to the home place of this theme. It lives in you, not anyone else. Remember the story is always about YOU. E.g. I feel that I betrayed myself by marrying this person when all my instincts told me that he was wrong for me. Now I have to keep going, learn what I need to learn and honour myself next time. Honour who I am, respect my gifts and if someone doesn’t respect me, then I will simply release that person to go their own way. The more I love and respect myself, the more easily I can find other people who can love and respect me in the same way.

This step takes enormous courage and faith but the rewards are freedom and joy.